Just NASTY... Part Deux

- Having fallen victim to a lemon on my previous automobile purchase (you’d think the term lemon and Honda wouldn’t be found in the same sentence, but I digress), I’ve spent all but 6 collective weeks between August ’10 and now riding CCT and MARTA to and from work. It’s been an experience that has made me stronger and more grateful (especially grateful for my new ride ^_^), but it should come as no surprise to anyone who has ever had to rely on public transportation that some of my experiences were less than pleasant.

MARTA is an acronym for “Metropolitan Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority”. However, a few unsavory experiences have driven me to dub a new definition for MARTA: “Musty And Rancid Travelers of Atlanta.” I’ve had several occasions on the train where someone enters the train and I have to fight with all my heart, mind, soul and strength to keep from gagging. Now, I can understand if said person is homeless, or if they just got off work from a physically strenuous job. Doesn’t necessarily make the smell any more tolerable, but I understand. However, there are regular looking people who get on the bus or train just smelling like they haven’t so much as touched a bar of soap all week. Call me judging, but I honestly don’t see any valid excuse for a non-homeless/poor person to smell like that. Don’t get me wrong, I have my “had to skip a shower ‘cause I slept in too long and I’m late for work” days just like the next person does. But please believe I don’t make a habit out of not bathing. Even if I didn’t do anything funk-inducing the previous day, I just don’t feel right without a shower. I just really don’t understand how the thought process of “Hmm… I haven’t washed recently” could ever escape anyone’s mind. Then again, that just lets me further know that we don’t all think alike. That can be such a sad and unfortunate fact in some cases. And in cases like this, it’s Just NASTY.

- One particular unpleasant situation on MARTA happened to be devoid of any nose-hazards. Still, it was just as nasty. My date and I were leaving the Hawks game (we won) and were taking the train back to where we parked. Just as we were about to sit down, we saw something that made us stop in mid-sit and move immediately to the seats across the isle. A red substance looked to have been smeared across the seat. It appeared to have originated from the middle and was smeared out towards the edge. We figured we were better off assuming that what we saw was not some spilled Kool-Aid that had dried up. As we sat in our significantly more sanitary seats, we watched in amusement the reactions of others as they almost sat in that… well… “red stuff” and quickly decided to sit elsewhere. I regret that I didn’t have the presence of mind to whip out my handy-dandy iPhone at the time, as this was definitely a YouTube-worthy moment. Nothing made our night more than seeing the looks on the other passengers’ faces. Looks of disgust that seemed to scream out “Now that’s Just NASTY.”

- In my 28 years on this planet, I’ve had to share many facilities with other members of the male gender. I’ve lived in a house with my dad and younger brother. I’ve shared a high school football field house with dozens of other adolescent males. I’ve shared a locker room at an MMA gym. I’ve had up to 4 roommates in the same apartment. So you can imagine that I’ve been exposed to (and been the cause of) my share of foul smells. Being a guy, you get used to them. You still don’t like them when they happen, but you get used to them. But, sometimes a smell hits your nostrils that is so otherworldly that it almost makes you lose your religion as you’re knocked back. Take, for example, the male public restroom. Again, the following doesn’t make the smell any less offensive, but given the fact that it’s a public restroom (a male public restroom at that), you all but expect horrible smells from time to time. The sad thing is, sometimes these smells come from unexpected sources. We’ve all walked into a public restroom (at least we guys have, not sure about you ladies out there) and realized a second too late that someone just bombed Hiroshima in there. However, there are a few people at my place of work whom I’ve walked into the bathroom after and been more abhorred by the lingering body odor that they left behind than the deuce that they just dropped. It’s one thing to have to hold your breath from the effects of #2, but to take a half step through the restroom door only to turn right back around because the leftover B.O. slapped you in the face is just all kinds of wrong. That is just baffling to me. I mean, really…. How…what… how could… o_O ... You know what, forget it. I’m not even going to try to break my brain over that. I don’t even want to imagine. ‘Cause that’s… Just… NASTY.

The Power of Words

“Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

O_o

Somebody done told you wrong.

Ok, ok… I realize the intent of this statement is to help young children learn how to deal with verbal abuse. I get that. And, for the most part, it does its job. Honestly, though, I think whoever originally coined this phrase was lying to him or herself, trying hard to convince one’s self that the words of others had no power. And we’d all like to think that that’s true. We’d all love to think that, as we’ve gotten older, we’ve matured past the point of using words in a malicious manner and allowing the words of others to affect how we feel about ourselves. However, considering the amount of “grown” adults who still wield insults like Darth Vader wields a light saber, and the ridiculous amount of people of all ages who suffer from depression, we’d be foolish to believe so.

We all have a limit to what we can verbally take from others. Some people couldn’t be more sensitive if they had tissue paper for skin, while others have skin so thick it seems nothing short of bullets will pierce them. Still, no one is verbally immune. Now, given all of this, you’d think that people would practice the golden rule when it comes to the things that they say. Not so much, unfortunately. For as many people there are that are so very guarded, almost to the point of being overprotective of their hearts and feelings, there are just as many people who choose to have no discipline when it comes to their speech. (Ironically, these two traits can often be found in the same person) So many people seem to brag about how freely they speak their minds, saying things like “I don’t hold my tongue for nobody!” or “I say what I feel!”

It disturbs and disgusts me to know that many people have such a blatant disregard for the feelings of others and the effect that their words may have on them. I’ve even seen people on twitter make statements such as “(Expletive) yo’ feelings.” Really? Seriously? I doubt that it would go over well with those who feel this way if others were to say the same thing to them. Again, the golden rule goes flying out the closed window of the 50th floor. Said person would probably be quick to say “I don’t care,” but I’d dare to call their bluff. Deep down, no one wants to feel as if their feelings are not being considered or protected at all.

The argument is often made that many people are just way too sensitive and that they need to toughen up. While this is a legitimate argument, this is not an excuse to say whatever comes to mind without restraint. There is also the train of thought that “the truth hurts” and some are just not able to take it. This is also true in many cases; but again, this is not permission to deliver said “truth” in whatever package you see fit. Going even further, there are some who choose not to keep a tight reign on their tongues, under the guise of “keeping it real.” While I am an advocate of keeping it real, again I say that this is not a license to run off at the mouth with reckless abandon.

Contrary to popular belief, “keeping it real” and telling the truth are not synonymous with being rude, mean, or unnecessarily blunt. Many believe that being nice, compassionate and considerate in one’s speech is equivalent to sugar-coating things and watering down the truth. I wholeheartedly believe that this could not be any farther from the truth. It is very possible to be real and tell the truth without being inconsiderate and rude. In order to accomplish this, one has to be willing to put one’s self in another person’s shoes, considering how they would feel if they heard the words that they were about to deliver. When I have even the slightest inkling that something I’m about to say may be offensive, I think to myself, “How would I feel if someone said that to me? How would I want someone to relay this to me if they felt that it was necessary to say such a thing?” The sad thing is, however, doing this requires much more effort than most people are willing to put forth. Many will consider themselves as not having time to walk on egg-shells in conversations or coddling people because their feelings are too easily hurt. Being polite while speaking one’s mind is not about that. Not at all. It is simply about treating someone the way that you would want to be treated.

I get the feeling that most people just don’t realize that so much damage is done to others and themselves when they choose not to tame their tongues. This is just another reminder for me that the world has a completely different thinking that God has. This is clearly one of those cases. While the vast majority of the world has a mindset that they will not put a filter on their mouths, God makes it clear that those who are wise do just that. Let’s take a look at what God and his word says about how we should and shouldn’t be using our words:

Proverbs 11:9 Those who are Godless destroy their neighbors with their mouths.

Proverbs 11:12 Those who have understanding hold their tongues.

Proverbs 12:18 Healing comes from the mouths of those who are wise.

Proverbs 15:4 Perverse tongues crush the spirits of others.

Proverbs 17:20 Those who have perverse tongues fall into trouble.

Proverbs 17:28 Even a fool is considered wise if he holds his tongue.

Proverbs 18:7 The mouths of fools are their undoing.

Proverbs 18:21 The tongue holds the power of life and death.

Proverbs 21:23 Those who guard their mouths & tongues keep themselves from calamity.

Proverbs 25:15 A gentle tongue is powerful enough to break a bone.

Ephesians 4:29 Only what is helpful and useful for building up others should come out of our mouths.

James 1:26 Those who consider themselves religious but don’t control their tongues deceive themselves and degrade their faith.

James 3:3-8 The tongue is difficult to tame and can be very destructive.

I know some, even after reading this, may still choose not to take this matter seriously, brushing it off as just a difference of opinion. However, we must consider how serious of a matter it is to God. If our creator sees this as a serious matter, that is more than good enough of a reason for us to do so as well. I can still hear many thinking to themselves, “It’s my mouth and I’ll say what I want.” This is true, but as displayed above, improper use of one’s mouth can and will lead to serious consequences.

America: The land of Entitlement

The United States of America: known as “The land of Opportunity.”

Our beloved country earned this reputation from the fact that countless immigrants from other nations have moved here for the chance at a better life. They moved from countries where there were not many opportunities to improve their way of living. Here in America, it is believed that no matter who you are or where you come from, you can make for yourself whatever kind of life you want, get whatever you want, live wherever you want, as long as you work hard enough for it.

Did I just say, “work hard”? Wow, good ol' hard work. Such a noble concept, but also such a foreign one nowadays. I have to wonder, where did all the hard workers go? Where did highly motivated go-getters go? I ask this because from what I’ve seen, our country’s alias has changed from “The Land of Opportunity” to “The Land of Entitlement.” Our modern American society seems to have what is called an Entitlement Complex. People feel that certain things are owed to them; that they deserve them. Maybe it’s because of our own Bill of Rights and Constitution that has convinced us that we have certain “rights” (not that I’m against having rights at all, but work with me here). Maybe it’s because a large portion of the advertising, marketing and media that we see is all geared towards convincing us that we “deserve” to have the newest and the best. Or maybe we’ve just become so spoiled by our society’s high standards that we think that certain things in our lives are just supposed to be automatic, and that there is something horribly wrong with the world if we don’t have what we’ve convinced ourselves we deserve. We no longer deserve things because we worked hard for them, we deserve them simply because we are Americans.

The words “entitlement” and “deserve” are fast becoming some of my least favorite. I’ve even seen the word “entitlement” used as a more positive-sounding label for welfare programs. I’m not saying that there aren’t people who legitimately need welfare, but to refer to welfare programs as “entitlement” gives the impression that people have a right to live and eat comfortably (relatively comfortable, considering the rest of the world’s standards as well) even if they aren’t making an effort to actually work for their lifestyle. I hear the word “deserve” thrown around way too much. “I deserve the best.” “I deserve more.” “You don’t deserve my time.” When I hear people say these things, whether they mean it that way or not, I can’t help but to hear arrogance. I mean, really, what makes you think you deserve something? Why do you deserve this thing or that thing? Why doesn’t someone deserve your time? Who are you and what have you done to be able to make such a claim? If you’ve really done something to be able to say such things, amen to that. You actually have a legitimate reason. But you do not deserve something just off the simple fact that you are able to make up in your mind that it is so. Americans specifically, but we as people in general would do well to get a sober, realistic judgment of what we really deserve, which isn’t much.

When you realize that you’re not really owed much of anything in this life, it helps you to be grateful for what you have. I’ve often said that having a sense of entitlement is like kryptonite to gratitude. When you feel as if you are owed or deserve to have something, it is nearly impossible to be grateful for it. You don’t have anywhere near the same appreciation for something that is simply handed to you that you do for something that you earned or worked hard for. An earned possession or privilege is worth more to you, and you are at least somewhat more justified in making a fuss about it if someone takes it from you or you otherwise lose it. Things that are just given to you routinely, not so much. Don’t get me wrong, I get just as upset when I don’t get something I want as the next person does, and understandably so, but some people will cause just as much or more chaos over losing something that they did not earn as they do for something that they did, and that is a serious problem.

I mentioned gratitude earlier and how feeling entitled keeps you from displaying it. When you feel that something is just automatically supposed to happen or you have a pre-determined expectation of something, it prevents you from showing appreciation for it. For example, I was reading an article written by one of my favorite relationship bloggers on twitter, @TheDatingTruth. In said article, the author expressed feeling that some women don’t know how to be grateful (Before any of y’all go jump off the deep end with that, I am only using this as an example. My point is not aimed at women.). She explains to her readers that a little bit of appreciation and gratitude towards a man goes a long way. She then addresses the fact that many women will hear this and think “Well, why should I thank him for something he’s supposed to do?” Regardless of gender, that type of attitude reeks of narcissism to me. First of all, just that fact that a person would already have in their minds that anything someone does is something that they’re “supposed” to do anyway is a bit arrogant, to say the least. Second, why not thank someone for doing something? Even if said person is doing something that they’re just supposed to do, even if it is their job and they get paid to do it, what’s wrong with saying a simple “thank you?” Those two words take little to no effort to say. Think about it: if you did something for someone, regardless if you did it on your own accord or if you were told to do it, or even if it’s in your job description, don’t you feel at lest the slightest bit better when someone smiles and says “thank you?” You’d think people would apply the golden rule here, but sadly, I would not be surprised if at least one person reading this actually has to Google “The Golden Rule” to figure out what it means. Anyway, my point here is that showing gratitude is not very difficult at all, if you have the correct mindset for it. In my humble opinion, if you have a problem with showing gratitude, if you find it beneath you to say thank you to someone just because they were doing their job or otherwise doing something they were “supposed to do”, you have some serious issues and you could stand to cancel your subscriptions to them.

All I’m really saying is, we all need to take a step back and think about how much we really do (or don’t) deserve. Having a sober judgment about this will give you a better perspective on life and make life just a little more pleasant for those around you as well. And lastly, remember that the words “please” and “thank you” are so very easy to say and mean more to people than you think. Alright, say them with me now: “please” and “thank you.” See? It wasn't that hard now, was it?

High Off Compliments

American writer Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” I can definitely relate to that. While most who know me well would be correct in telling you that physical touch is my primary love language, words of affirmation is a very close second. It’s not that I need to be showered with compliments or told how great I am or anything. Far from that, actually. I spent years of my life being very insecure and self conscious; a result of getting picked on a lot in elementary and middle school (getting to the root of things helps tremendously). To a large degree, I’ve grown out of it; to a lesser, I’ve learned to hide it very well. I say all of this to say that when it comes to compliments, I don’t need you to massage my ego per se, I just need to be reminded every once in a while that I don’t suck.

I think that this is also the reason why I make the effort to compliment people when given the opportunity. It’s not my intent to butter up or flatter anyone. I may sound like a flatterer or a flirt when I give compliments, but I take care to never say something that I don’t wholeheartedly believe is true. I give people compliments, not just because it comes natural to me since that’s how I prefer to be loved, but because I’ve realized that thinking highly of someone doesn’t do much good if the person being thought highly of never knows about it. I can imagine someone being very good at what they do, but walking around thinking that he or she is only adequate or worse at it because no one ever took the time to say it. You just never know what a well-timed compliment can do for someone. You may brighten up someone’s day when she’s been having a Monday of Mondays. You could end up affirming the progress that someone has made when he’s been working hard to kick a bad habit. A genuine compliment or vote of confidence may just be all a person needs to get through a terrible day or to turn a situation around.

As I mentioned earlier, compliments affect me in a positive way because even though I’ve made tremendous strides in being more confident and less self-conscious, I still do need the occasional reminder that I’m “ok.” I especially love compliments on my dancing and teaching, as such is my passion. Again, not that I need to be told that I’m great, but more so that I like to know that I’m still doing something right; that I’m still moving in the right direction. Compliments in this area are more or less like taking inventory for me; a way for me to know that I’m still progressing as a dancer, or that I’m still being effective, personable and relatable as an instructor.

Speaking of dancing, there’s a thread on salsaforums.com (I go by the handle “Rugkutta”) called “Best Compliments Ever.” My fellow SFers and I go there to post various compliments that we’ve received on our dancing. Every once in a while I go through and re-read all my old posts in this thread just to see my progress as a dancer (and, I admit, to get a little ego boost). I’ve posted more than this, but here are the compliments that I’ve received that stood out to me. And yes, it’s my blog and I’ll brag if I want to ;-)

After a dance with world-famous salsa instructor Edie “The Salsa FREAK” Lewis:

"You have such a BEAUTIFUL lead! SMOOTH* like BUTTER!!!"

*She had no idea that I already had a "Smoove" nickname. ;-)

After a salsa dance:

"You have a unique style all your own! I could never fall asleep dancing with you!"

During an invitation to dance:

Me: Would you like to dance?

Salsera: Yeah, but not this one.

Me: Ok.

S: When I dance w/ anybody else in here, I'm good. But with you? .....

Me: (Humorously trying to sound offended) Oh, so whatchu tryin' to say?

S: You're intimidating.

Me: (In jest) Yeah, I do have that affect on ladies sometimes ;-)

Me: (Seriously) How so?

S: Your style, your posture...

(I had been working on my posture for the better part of that year, so it meant a lot to me to hear that.)

During a Facebook chat about salsa:

"You found yourself in (salsa). And it fits your body well! It looks beautiful on you!!!"

Another Facebook chat:

"You had a ‘balanced’ energy about you when you danced with me. You know how some people take themselves much too seriously when they are dancing with you? You are a mix of playful and skilled."

From an older, lovely latina lady I danced with:

"You're WAY too sexy for this. They shouldn't have let you in!"

A reply to a Facebook wall post where I thanked her for a dance the previous weekend:

"Papa, your bachata was like manjar. Thank you."

Asking a lady to dance a 2nd bachata in the same night:

Me: You don't mind a rematch, do you?
Her: No, not with YOU

After a bachata dance:

"Thank you for not doing the same old boring '1-2-3, 5-6-7' when you bachata."

A Facebook wall post from an out of town friend, after I met and danced with a mutual friend:

"We kept talking how lovely you are (as a dancer as well) for like 10 minute and made other gentlemen on the dinner table super jealous"

Don't Drink The Haterade

I’ve come to the unfortunate conclusion that I’ve become something that modern day society despises. I “hate” that it has come to this and am reluctant to admit it, but I’ve peacefully come to grips with this sad reality.

I am a “hater.”

I used to think that I wasn’t a hater. I’ve always subscribed to the original definition of the term. The common idea that I’ve seen from different definitions of the term that I’ve found (urbandictionary.com, wikipedia.com, wiktionary.com) is consistent with what I originally perceived it to mean. For the most part, a “hater” originally described someone who is so envious of another person that he or she is bent on preventing said person’s further success. A hater cannot stand to see that person do well and usually has no good reason to dislike or antagonize said person. I think most people would agree that such a person has issues. Most of us have better things to do than to be obsessed with someone else’s demise.

Even this definition of the term “hater” has become very popular. Many catch phrases and songs have been dedicated to “haters.” “Don’t be a hater.” “Let your haters be your motivators.” “Don’t hate, congratulate.” “Hi, Hater.” People have even come to measure their success by the amount of “haters” they have. One of my favorite comedians, Katt Williams has this to say about “haters”:

“Ladies, if you got 14 women hatin’ on you, you need to figure out how to get to 16 before the summer get here! Fellas, if you got 20 haters, you need 40 of them…!”

While I can agree that success inevitably comes with people who will be envious or jealous of you, there is a part of me that can’t really take this mindset seriously. I mean, do people really have that many enemies? That many “haters”? The way some people describe having “haters” sounds a lot like how people describe having roaches, rats, or any other kind of pest.

Okay, I’ve veered away from my main point, but I had to throw that out there. Again, if we go with the original meaning of the word, I am not a “hater.” But oh, how times (and definitions of words) have changed. If you consider the context in which the word “hater” is used in modern slang, movies, and music, a “hater” is now anyone who disagrees with you, dislikes your work, or even has an opinion that is contrary to what is popular, regardless of the legitimacy of your reasons. As you can probably imagine by now, I feel that this word is horribly misused and overused.

For example: I respect Kobe Bryant as a basketball player. I think he is arguably the best basketball player in the NBA right now and probably will be for quite some time. However, I do not like him because of his arrogance. The man entered the NBA draft out of High School and told the team that drafted him that he would no play for them and demanded to be traded. This just reeks of arrogance and ingratitude to me. However, if I so much as say that I don’t like Kobe Bryant, I would barely be able to shape my mouth to begin to state my case as to why before someone would label me as a “hater.” Another example, I dislike Soulja Boy’s music. I admit, the first few dozen times I heard “Crank Dat Soulja Boy” I danced right along with everyone else. However, after that got old and I actually paid attention to his lyrics, I felt that they lacked the substance I was looking for that would make me want to even hear his songs on the radio, let alone spend money on him. But again, let me even hint at the fact that I don’t like him, and someone will label me a “hater.”

Yet another example, I was having a conversation with a female friend of mine about men carrying “man-purses.” (I have to stop and say that I seriously question the masculinity of anything that has to have the prefix “man-“ added to it.) I respectfully stated that I don’t agree with men wearing “man-purses” or “man-bags”, and that you wouldn’t catch me wearing one. She quickly responded, saying “You can’t hate!!! Everyone has their own style.” “How am I hating? I’m just stating my opinion?” I asked. Can I not have my own opinion? Is it not ok to disagree with someone or something? Am I forever doomed to have to conform to what is popular?

In this American society where everyone believes they’re entitled to so much (there goes yet another word I’ve come to hate: “entitlement,” but that’s another blog for another day. Oh, look! I said “hate” again. I’m such a hater), one would think I’d be entitled to have and state my own opinion, but I guess that’s too much to ask nowadays. If you’re not down with what’s popular, if you don’t like what everybody else likes, you’re a “hater.” Don’t dare play “Devil’s Advocate” or offer constructive criticism. You might be considered king of the haters for going that far. Considering all of this, I decided to go ahead and label myself a “hater.” I am a “hater-hater”, if that makes any sense. I’m hatin’ on the whole concept of “hatin’.” I encourage anyone reading this to not be afraid of being called a “hater.” Don’t drink the haterade that society is serving you and think that you have give up your ability to think independently and decide for yourself if you like something or not. To paraphrase Common, a hip-hop artist that I highly respect, “If you don’t like it, you don’t like it. That don’t mean that you’re hatin’.”

"You's a FOOL."

Ah, yes. April 1, 2011. “April Fool’s Day,” once again. Being the inquisitive person that I am, I thought about the word “fool,” since it apparently goes along with today’s theme. Myself included, we often throw around this word very loosely. I figured it would do us all some good to really take time out to gain an accurate understanding of what a “fool” is and what it means to be one.

Whenever I come across a new word or a word I otherwise am not sure that I have an understanding of, I head over to dictionary.com on my handy-dandy iPhone. What a concept! Don’t know what a word means? Look it up! *END SARCASM* I feel this is important because countless words have strayed from their original meaning, so far that many of us often don’t realize what we’re really saying when we use particular words. The word “fool” has a few meanings, but the first definition listed is this:

-noun

1. A silly or stupid person; a person who lacks judgment or sense.

I also decided to consult God’s word –The Bible– (there’s another worthwhile concept) regarding what it means to be a fool. The word “fool” and its many derivatives appear countless times throughout the Bible, but the best place to find the characteristics of foolery can be found in the book of Proverbs. There are many verses that touch on this subject, but here are the ones that stood out to me.

A “fool”:


– Despises wisdom and instruction. (Proverbs 1:7)

– Is complacent. (Proverbs 1:32)

– Talks (chatters) too much. (Proverbs 10:8, 10)

– Lies and slanders. (Proverbs 10:18)

– Will eventually DIE from lack of sense. (Proverbs 10:21)

– Finds pleasure in wickedness. (Proverbs 10:23)

– Does not listen to advice. (Proverbs 12:15)

– Shows annoyance at once. (Proverbs 12:16)

– Detests turning from evil. (Proverbs 13:19)

– Tears down her own house. (Proverbs 14:1) *Scripture specifically addresses women, but I’m pretty sure many a male fool has done the same.*

– Is prideful. (Proverbs 14:3)

– Mocks at making amends for sin. (Proverbs 14:9)

– Is hotheaded, yet feels secure. (Proverbs 14:16)

– Is quick-tempered. (Proverbs 14:17)

– Has wandering eyes. (Proverbs 17:24)

– Delights in airing his/her own opinions. (Proverbs 18:2)

– Is quick to quarrel. (Proverbs 19:29)

– Is wise in his/her own eyes. (Proverbs 26:5)

– Repeats folly. (Proverbs 26:11)

– Gives full vent to rage. (Proverbs 29:11)

– Speaks in haste. (Proverbs 29:20)

– Exalts himself. (Proverbs 30:32)


Despite the fact that this list is not at all exhaustive, I’m pretty sure everyone has fallen or still does fall under at least one of these characteristics, myself included. This is very convicting, to say the least. I implore anyone who is reading this to take these scriptures to heart. Ask yourself: Are my ways foolish? We are very foolish indeed if we refuse to acknowledge and address the foolery in our lives when pointed out to us.

"He Says/She Says" co-starring @CityGirlsWorld

Here's the story: Late last year, I tweeted about my blog "Chick Flicks & Salsa" and shared it with some of my favorite relationship bloggers on Twitter. In it, I hint at the fact that I believe it is the man who should be the leader in any relationship. One of the bloggers that I sent this to, Jess of @CityGirlsWorld, respectfully disagreed, saying that it should be "70/30 or 60/40, man/woman" (paraphrasing). This lead to a friendly Twitter debate on the subject, after which we both agreed that the topic deserved mere attention than we would be able to give it with Twitter's 140 character per post limit. Jess suggested that we collaborate and do a "He Said, She Said" blog together, where we both give our opinions on the subject. The following is our 3 part series, all featured on Jess and Christie's site, "City Girls' World." Enjoy :-)

***Jess & Christie have since closed their website.  Fortunately, I pdf'd the articles prior to that and was able to salvage them.  Below are the articles in text form.  To my wonderful ladies of the late "City Girls World", if you ever read this again, thank you so much for our pleasant and colorful interactions.  I wish y'all the best!!!***

He Says/She Says with SmooveSalsero! Part 1: I Love You?

Posted by Christie - 20/01/11 at 08:01 am

After a feisty tweet-off about dating rules with one of our favorite readers, Myron (aka SmooveSalsero), we thought it'd be fun to pin him down about some of our favorite dating "issues" and see how our opinions compared. Are men and women really that different? Do we *maybe* see things the same way? Wait—don't answer that!! 

But instead of viewing men as the Coke, and women as the Pepsi, maybe our he said/she said will out us all as Dr. Pepper? 

As such, we bring you.... our newest he says/she says!

1. Who should say "I Love You" first? Is there a timeline/deadline where it has to be said?

He says: I know many women would feel like they'd be waiting forever and half an eternity for this to happen with certain guys, but I think it should be the man who says "I love you" first. A younger, less mature version of myself would disagree with what I am about to say, but I am a firm believer that it should be the man who initiates and sets the tone of a relationship. Why, you ask? Consider these things: even the most independent, liberal, "I-don't-need-a-man" type of woman wants to feel desired and pursued; that the man that is with her chose her above any other woman. Even the laziest, timid, wishy-washy, unassertive man will go after something if he really wants it. Ladies, you would rather have a guy that really wants you as opposed to a guy that just kinda wants you or isn't sure if he wants you, right? If you have to say "I love you" first, he either isn't sure he that he does, or he doesn't love/want you enough.

Now, here's where it gets complicated. If you tell a guy you love him first, he may stick around and tell you what you want to hear. Why would he do this? Here's an analogy that may help. I prefer Pepsi over Coke (yet, I'm from the South... go figure). I don't dislike Coke, but if I have my choice and I really want a soda, I'm going to get a Pepsi However, if you just happen to offer me a free Coke, I'm probably not going to turn it down. Now, if you give me Diet Coke, which I really can't stand the taste of I'm probably going to turn you down, unless I'm just dying of thirst. Get the picture? If something free just falls into someone's lap, said person is not going to turn it down unless he or she truly does not like whatever it is. Same as with a relationship: unless the guy is one of the more honorable of the gender or he just finds you completely repulsive, he is going to let you hang around instead of telling you he really doesn't like you like that, because having you around is better than not having a girlfriend.

As far as a timeline or deadline, I don't think you can put a rule or guideline on it. You have to know that for yourself.  How long is too long for you? It also depends on the other person. Whether you're a woman waiting on the guy to say it first or you're the guy and you're waiting for her to reciprocate, you have to decide for yourself if that person is worth it. You have to know your own worth first, and from there you can determine if your time is being wasted or not.

Christie Says: SmooveSalsero makes really good points...and now I am also craving a soda (I also like Pepsi!). I think I've mostly had relationships where I do find that the man says 'I love you" first...to me, that has signified his commitment to a serious relationship that is definitely going somewhere.

However, I do think that there is something to be said for girl power, and for cutting through the crap. When I was in my early 20's, I often felt I was game playing rather than really committing. I had a set of arbitrary rules in my mind, and I would hang onto someone longer than I should have because I was following the rulebook and waiting on him to act like the plot of some sort of 1940's movie. As I get older, I realize that I don't have the time or patience for game playing or waiting around... so, I often just cut to the chase. Granted, this may not mean saying "I love you" first, but it does mean that if I don't feel it, or if my gut twinges and says "this doesn't feel quite right" then I move on.

I do this because I whole-heartedly believe that you know. In a good relationship you know if he loves you and you love him, regardless if the words have been spoken or not. It's shown in every small way—how you talk to each other, how you take of each other, even with how you look at each other (with that special sparkle in your eye! Versus, you know, a creepy stare). And if you feel after a certain period of time that you don't know, or you feel like you need to say it in order to find out, then you are in denial about his feelings and probably just kidding yourself.  I say this knowing it is harsh, but I honestly believe that it is a basic truth.

As to the timeline—whenever it feels right. Say it. Don't be afraid to shout it from the rooftops. If you feel that certain, then he does too.

He Says/She Says Part II: Exclusivity

Posted by Christie - 24/02/11 at 10:02 am

The second in our three part series with SmooveSalsero!

Does exclusivity need to be a conversation? (aka the "where is this going?" conversation). Remember high school when we'd just hold hands and assume we're boyfriend and girlfriend? Why can't it be like that? (or can it?!)

He Says: I wish it were as simple as it was back in High School. Then again; for me, it wasn't that simple. I was painfully shy and insecure back then, so I never approached women. Ok, I digress; I'll refrain from any further venting about my romantic adventures (or lack thereof) in High School.

Unfortunately for us all, it's not that simple, and that's exactly why I believe exclusivity needs to be a

conversation. Assumptions often lead to embarrassment and the wasting of one's time and energy. This is doubly true for relationships. I think the "where is this going?" conversation definitely needs to happen. You don't just hop in your car and ride, without knowing where you're going, do you? Likewise, if you don't have "the talk" with the person in question, you may think that you're already halfway to the other side of the country when he or she thinks you haven't even left the driveway.

I don't think that the initiator of said conversation needs to be the man. It's not quite as serious as the commitment of saying "I love you." I mean, I think we all deserve to have clarity/closure in a situation, regardless of gender. However, I will say this: if you are a woman and you are considering initiating the "where is this going?" conversation, I dare say that if you had to ask, you probably know the answer already, and it's probably not the one you were looking for. There are plenty of exceptions that keep this from being a rule, but for the most part if you as a woman are having to start this conversation, either it isn't where you think it should be or want it to be, or he isn't doing a very good job of leading or making things clear to you.

Another reason why I think exclusivity needs to be a conversation is that each person needs to know what the other person expects. It's like reading the fine print on a contract: you both need to know what you're getting into. It's not fair to expect something from someone else when they don't know that you're expecting it. How exclusive (or not) you want to be, where you want the relationship to go, how often you want to see each other, your love languages, your pet peeves, what you will and won't stand for; all that needs to be discussed up front ifa relationship is to last.

She Says: There was a time I specialized in European men (living in Europe made that easy) and let me tell you how things work over there. You meet, you hook up, you hang out, you hook up again, and then he installs a toothbrush and razor in your bathroom. In week 2, he'll invite you to meet his parents. I recall one particular phone call with a guy I had been dating for about a week. We were talking about our international connections (relatives living abroad, etc) when he casually mentioned that he had an American girlfriend. I gasped. What kind of a-hole would date a girl, profess his adoration for her, leave a toothbrush at her place all the while he already has a girlfriend?! ! Then it hit me. It was me. I was the girlfriend. But how could it have happened so fast? And without me knowing (or giving consent)?! What kind of strange universe had I entered?

But we don't live in Europe. We don't have their affordable wine, their fresh bread, or their commitment-ready men. No.

Over here in the US of A, we have certain rules. And one of them is that there has to be some sort of established mutual agreement before a relationship becomes serious (read: monogamous).

I agree with Smoove when he suggests that the answer is probably already in your gut. In my experience, when I (or he) felt the need to spell it out, it was because one ofus was not fully on board. By contrast, in the serious relationships I've had, the transition from dating to boyfriend/girlfriend was a gradual but plainly obvious process. If you are talking about plans for next month, if you are telling each other how much you lace each other, if you're meeting each other's friends, if you are making jokes about other women/men in your life (as in, "don't worry, all the girls at my office are already married"), well then you can see the writing on the wall. And one day soon enough, someone will drop the word "boyfriend" into a conversation. It may not even be one of you.  Meddling friends can be really helpful in this way! And voila, you'll know. Just hang tight and pay attention.

He Says/She Says Part 3: Can She Make the First Move?

Posted by Guest Author - 24/03/11 at 10:03 am

Part 3 of our he says/she says series with SmooveSalsero! Is it ever awesome for a girl to make the first move? If so, how should she do it?

He Says:

This may seem slightly contrary to my answer in the previous article on who should say "I love you" first, but I do think it is awesome for the girl to make the first move. The difference between being the first to make a move and the first to say "I Love You" is this: with the former, you are just letting the guy know you are interested. With the latter, you are pushing the relationship (if it can even be called such at that point) into a place that the other person may not be ready for or even want to enter into.

To me, for a woman to make the first move by asking me out, it is indeed flattering and it makes it obvious to me that she's interested, or at least interested in getting to know me, and that's enough for me to consider, or more seriously consider, the possibility of the same with her. How should she do it? I'll point you to a great article byfellow blogger and tweeter, Steven J. Dixon:

How to ask a guy ona date pt 1 

How toask a guy on a date pt 2 

There's hardly anything in this article that I can disagree with Basically, if you do ask a guy out, it's really for the sole purpose of getting him to take notice of you and let him know that you're available. After that, it's best to leave the ball in his court. Give him the "green light," so to speak, but he has to make the choice of whether to go straight, or instead turn left/right/u-turn. Anything past that, and you're taking control of the relationship. As long as you're in a relationship with that guy, you'll find it hard to ever get him to step up and take charge of anything because you set that tone from the beginning, and you will eventually resent him for that. You have to let him know you want to be chased (and caught), but no more than that. Otherwise, he will never truly pursue you because he feels has no need to. You have jumped into his lap and given him the impression that you're not going anywhere.

She Says:

Jess here, speaking for both of us. We are big proponents of women making the first move. Now, notice I don't say we enjoy/prefer/believe in it. It's just a question of practicality.

All women know the typical Friday night bar scene. There you are scoping the crowd, looking for that one gentleman in the crowd that may be appealing —a diamond in the rough. But just as you spot him and establish eye contact, BAM, a slimy dude and his entourage jump in. While you're squirming under his lame attempt at conversation (or worse you let him buy you a drink and now you feel obliged to stay and chat), Mr. Adorable has looked away with a discouraged sigh.

What's a gal to do? Rather than lose out on great guys night after night, you have to take matters into your own hands. After all, the kind of guy you're seeking is maybe not the one that slithers in with a slimy pick-up line, right? So, Christie and I advise that if you see something you like, you might as well walk up and take it (or, errr, talk to it, as the case may be).

Now admittedly, Christie is an opener and I am a better closer. But we have employed various techniques at making the first move that don't require us to make much of a move at all. Like Smoove says, you still want the guy to be doing the pursuing. We just help out by letting him know that his advances will be welcome.

Game on.

Round 1? Eye contact. Get his attention. If he doesn't walk over right away, add a flirty smile for good measure. This usually will do the trick.

Round 2? If the guy is making eye contact and smiling back but still not walking over, it may be that he's young, inexperienced, shy, or just dim. Either way, in this case we recommend adding the "wave over." Use one hand, smile, and make the motion of "come here." You'd be amazed at how effective this can be. So simple, even the shiest girl can pull it off and yet it's a move that oozes confidence and sex appeal You can also use the wave over in round one if you are looking to expedite the process.

Round 3? There are those rare occasions where you just want to make a bold statement and then move along. For those instances, you need the "face grab" — a patented move whereby you walk up to the gentleman, place your hands on the sides of his face, lean in, and smack one on him (we strongly recommend doing a shot beforehand). Be warned that this is a powerful maneuver and in at least one instance caused the subject to come running out of the bar screaming and begging for Christie's phone number. For that reason and many others, we will probably never be able to visit Rome again. But that is a tale for another time...