***Jess & Christie have since closed their website. Fortunately, I pdf'd the articles prior to that and was able to salvage them. Below are the articles in text form. To my wonderful ladies of the late "City Girls World", if you ever read this again, thank you so much for our pleasant and colorful interactions. I wish y'all the best!!!***
He Says/She Says with SmooveSalsero! Part 1: I Love
You?
Posted by Christie - 20/01/11 at
08:01 am
After a feisty tweet-off about dating rules with one of our favorite readers, Myron (aka SmooveSalsero), we thought it'd be fun to pin him down about some of our favorite dating "issues" and see how our opinions compared. Are men and women really that different? Do we *maybe* see things the same way? Wait—don't answer that!!
But instead of viewing men as the Coke, and women as the Pepsi, maybe our he said/she said will out us all as Dr. Pepper?
As such, we bring you.... our newest he says/she says!
1. Who should say "I Love You" first? Is there a timeline/deadline where it has to be said?
He says: I know many women would feel like
they'd be waiting forever and half an eternity for this to happen with certain
guys, but I think it should be the man who says "I love you" first. A
younger, less mature version of myself would disagree with what I am about to
say, but I am a firm believer that it should be the man who initiates and sets
the tone of a relationship. Why, you ask? Consider these things: even the most
independent, liberal, "I-don't-need-a-man" type of woman wants to
feel desired and pursued; that the man that is with her chose her above
any other woman. Even the laziest, timid, wishy-washy, unassertive man will go
after something if he really wants it. Ladies, you would rather have a
guy that really wants you as opposed to a guy that just kinda wants
you or isn't sure if he wants you, right? If you have to say "I love
you" first, he either isn't sure he that he does, or he doesn't love/want
you enough.
Now, here's where it gets
complicated. If you tell a guy you love him first, he may stick around and tell
you what you want to hear. Why would he do this? Here's an analogy that may
help. I prefer Pepsi over Coke (yet, I'm from the South... go figure). I don't dislike
Coke, but if I have my choice and I really want a soda, I'm going to
get a Pepsi However, if you just happen to offer me a free Coke, I'm probably
not going to turn it down. Now, if you give me Diet Coke, which I really can't
stand the taste of I'm probably going to turn you down, unless I'm just dying
of thirst. Get the picture? If something free just falls into someone's lap,
said person is not going to turn it down unless he or she truly does not like
whatever it is. Same as with a relationship: unless the guy is one of the more
honorable of the gender or he just finds you completely repulsive, he is going
to let you hang around instead of telling you he really doesn't like you like
that, because having you around is better than not having a girlfriend.
As far as a timeline or deadline, I don't think you
can put a rule or guideline on it. You have to know that for yourself. How long
is too long for you? It also depends on the other person. Whether you're a
woman waiting on the guy to say it first or you're the guy and you're waiting
for her to reciprocate, you have to decide for yourself if that person is worth
it. You have to know your own worth first, and from there you can determine if
your time is being wasted or not.
Christie Says: SmooveSalsero
makes really good points...and now I am also craving a soda (I also like
Pepsi!). I think I've mostly had relationships where I do find that the man
says 'I love you" first...to me, that has signified his commitment to a
serious relationship that is definitely going somewhere.
However, I do think that there is something to be said
for girl power, and for cutting through the crap. When I was in my early 20's,
I often felt I was game playing rather than really committing. I had a set of
arbitrary rules in my mind, and I would hang onto someone longer than I should
have because I was following the rulebook and waiting on him to act like the
plot of some sort of 1940's movie. As I get older, I realize that I don't have
the time or patience for game playing or waiting around... so, I often just cut
to the chase. Granted, this may not mean saying "I love you" first,
but it does mean that if I don't feel it, or if my gut twinges and says
"this doesn't feel quite right" then I move on.
I do this because I
whole-heartedly believe that you know. In a good relationship you know if
he loves you and you love him, regardless if the words have been spoken or not.
It's shown in every small way—how you talk to each other, how you take of each
other, even with how you look at each other (with that special sparkle in your
eye! Versus, you know, a creepy stare). And if you feel after a certain period
of time that you don't know, or you feel like you need to say it in order to
find out, then you are in denial about his feelings and probably just kidding
yourself. I say this knowing it is harsh, but I honestly believe that it is a
basic truth.
As to the timeline—whenever it
feels right. Say it. Don't be afraid to shout it from the rooftops. If you feel
that certain, then he does too.
He Says/She
Says Part II: Exclusivity
Posted by Christie - 24/02/11 at 10:02 am
The second in our three part
series with SmooveSalsero!
Does exclusivity need to be a conversation? (aka the
"where is this going?" conversation). Remember high school when we'd
just hold hands and assume we're boyfriend and girlfriend? Why can't it be like
that? (or can it?!)
He Says: I wish
it were as simple as it was back in High School. Then again; for me, it wasn't
that simple. I was painfully shy and insecure back then, so I never approached
women. Ok, I digress; I'll refrain from any further venting about my
romantic adventures (or lack thereof) in High School.
Unfortunately for us all, it's
not that simple, and that's exactly why I believe exclusivity needs to be a
conversation. Assumptions often
lead to embarrassment and the wasting of one's time and energy. This is doubly
true for relationships. I think the "where is this going?"
conversation definitely needs to happen. You don't just hop in your car and
ride, without knowing where you're going, do you? Likewise, if you don't have
"the talk" with the person in question, you may think that you're
already halfway to the other side of the country when he or she thinks you
haven't even left the driveway.
I don't think that the initiator
of said conversation needs to be the man. It's not quite as serious as the commitment of
saying "I love you." I mean, I think we all deserve to have clarity/closure
in a situation, regardless of gender. However, I will say this: if you are a
woman and you are considering initiating the "where is this going?"
conversation, I dare say that if you had to ask, you probably know the answer
already, and it's probably not the one you were looking for. There are plenty
of exceptions that keep this from being a rule, but for the most part if you as
a woman are having to start this conversation, either it isn't where you think
it should be or want it to be, or he isn't doing a very good job of leading or
making things clear to you.
Another reason why I think
exclusivity needs to be a conversation is that each person needs to know what the
other person expects. It's like reading the fine print on a contract: you both
need to know what you're getting into. It's not fair to expect something from
someone else when they don't know that you're expecting it. How exclusive (or
not) you want to be, where you want the relationship to go, how often you want
to see each other, your love languages, your pet peeves, what you will and
won't stand for; all that needs to be discussed up front ifa relationship is to last.
She
Says: There was
a time I specialized in European men (living in Europe made that easy) and let
me tell you how things work over there. You meet, you hook up, you hang out,
you hook up again, and then he installs a toothbrush and razor in your
bathroom. In week 2, he'll invite you to meet his parents. I recall one particular phone call with a guy I had been dating for about a week. We were talking
about our international connections (relatives living abroad, etc) when he
casually mentioned that he had an American girlfriend. I gasped. What kind of
a-hole would date a girl, profess his adoration for her, leave a toothbrush at
her place all the while he already has a girlfriend?! ! Then it hit me. It was me.
I was the girlfriend. But how could it have happened so fast? And without
me knowing (or giving consent)?! What kind of strange universe had I entered?
But we don't live in Europe. We don't have their
affordable wine, their fresh bread, or their commitment-ready men. No.
Over here in the US of A, we have certain rules. And
one of them is that there has to be some sort of established mutual agreement
before a relationship becomes serious (read: monogamous).
I agree with Smoove when he
suggests that the answer is probably already in your gut. In my experience,
when I (or he) felt the need to spell it out, it was because one ofus was not
fully on board. By contrast, in the serious relationships I've had, the
transition from dating to boyfriend/girlfriend was a gradual but plainly
obvious process. If you are talking about plans for next month, if you are
telling each other how much you lace each other, if you're meeting each other's
friends, if you are making jokes about other women/men in your life (as in,
"don't worry, all the girls at my office are already married"), well
then you can see the writing on the wall. And one day soon enough, someone will
drop the word "boyfriend" into a conversation. It may not even be one
of you. Meddling friends can be really helpful in this way! And voila, you'll
know. Just hang tight and pay attention.
He Says/She Says Part 3: Can She
Make the First Move?
Posted by Guest Author - 24/03/11 at 10:03 am
Part 3 of our he says/she says series with
SmooveSalsero! Is it ever awesome for a girl to make the first move? If so, how
should she do it?
He Says:
This may seem slightly contrary to my answer in the previous article on who should say "I love you" first, but I do think it is awesome for the girl to make the first move. The
difference between being the first to make a move and the first to say "I
Love You" is this: with the former, you are just letting the guy know you
are interested. With the latter, you are pushing the relationship (if it can
even be called such at that point) into a place that the other person may not
be ready for or even want to enter into.
To me, for a woman to make the
first move by asking me out, it is indeed flattering and it makes it obvious to
me that she's interested, or at least interested in getting to know me, and
that's enough for me to consider, or more seriously consider, the possibility
of the same with her. How should she do it? I'll point you to a great article
byfellow blogger and tweeter,
Steven J. Dixon:
There's hardly anything in this
article that I can disagree with Basically, if you do ask a guy out, it's
really for the sole purpose of getting him to take notice of you and let him
know that you're available. After that, it's best to leave the ball in his
court. Give him the "green light," so to speak, but he has to make
the choice of whether to go straight, or instead turn left/right/u-turn.
Anything past that, and you're taking control of the relationship. As long as
you're in a relationship with that guy, you'll find it hard to ever get him to
step up and take charge of anything because you set that tone from the
beginning, and you will eventually resent him for that. You have to let him
know you want to be chased (and caught), but no more than that. Otherwise, he
will never truly pursue you because he feels has no need to. You have jumped
into his lap and given him the impression that you're not going anywhere.
She Says:
Jess here, speaking for both of us. We are big
proponents of women making the first move. Now, notice I don't say we
enjoy/prefer/believe in it. It's just a question of practicality.
All women know the typical
Friday night bar scene. There you are scoping the crowd, looking for that one
gentleman in the crowd that may be appealing —a diamond in the rough. But just
as you spot him and establish eye contact, BAM, a slimy dude and his entourage
jump in. While you're squirming under his lame attempt at conversation (or
worse you let him buy you a drink and now you feel obliged to stay and chat),
Mr. Adorable has looked away with a discouraged sigh.
What's a gal to do? Rather than lose out on great guys
night after night, you have to take matters into your own hands. After all, the
kind of guy you're seeking is maybe not the one that slithers in with a
slimy pick-up line, right? So, Christie and I advise that if you see something
you like, you might as well walk up and take it (or, errr, talk to it, as the
case may be).
Now admittedly, Christie is an
opener and I am a better closer. But we have employed various techniques at
making the first move that don't require us to make much of a move at all. Like
Smoove says, you still want the guy to be doing the pursuing. We just help out
by letting him know that his advances will be welcome.
Game on.
Round 1? Eye
contact. Get his attention. If he doesn't walk over right away, add a flirty
smile for good measure. This usually will do the trick.
Round 2? If
the guy is making eye contact and smiling back but still not walking over, it
may be that he's young, inexperienced, shy, or just dim. Either way, in this
case we recommend adding the "wave over." Use one hand, smile, and
make the motion of "come here." You'd be amazed at how effective this
can be. So simple, even the shiest girl can pull it off and yet it's a move
that oozes confidence and sex appeal You can also use the wave over in round
one if you are looking to expedite the process.
Round
3? There are
those rare occasions where you just want to make a bold statement and then move
along. For those instances, you need the "face grab" — a patented
move whereby you walk up to the gentleman, place your hands on the sides of his
face, lean in, and smack one on him (we strongly recommend doing a shot
beforehand). Be warned that this is a powerful maneuver and in at least one
instance caused the subject to come running out of the bar screaming and
begging for Christie's phone number. For that reason and many others, we will
probably never be able to visit Rome again. But that is a tale for another
time...
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