Cosplayin' - Behind the Mask

It's that time again.  About a half-month and some change left to go before one of my favorite events of the year:  Dragon*Con.  If you've never heard of or been to Dragon*Con, it's arguably the biggest geekery convention in the world.  The closest thing to geek heaven there is.  I only say "closest thing" because it's during Labor Day weekend, so it's still hot as fish grease outside in Atlanta, and, unless you can afford to pay for a room in a host hotel solo and are lucky enough to book one, you probably won't get to relax much.

Anyway, this yearly geekified staycation tradition began for me in 2012.  After several years of always seeing cosplayers on my lunch break on Labor Day Friday (my job is right above Peachtree Center food court and MARTA station) and hearing my co-workers talk about it (they're all fellow geeks, many of whom attend or work at Dragon*Con), I finally decided to see it for myself.

I already had a good base for a costume since I'd gone as Snake Eyes for Halloween a few times, so I just upgraded that and went on Saturday that year.  It would be pretty accurate to say I had a geek-gasm that day.  I was hooked, and went again the next year, but again with the same costume and only on Saturday, due to procrastination and budget restraints.

Last year, however, I decided to step my game up.  I finally added two more costumes to my arsenal.  I also bought a full weekend pass, using one costume per day Friday through Sunday.  On Saturday, I decided to wear one of my two new costumes, which was a mash-up of Samuel L. Jackson's Mace Windu and Jules Winnfield.  The costume was well received, but as I was walking around, I suddenly realized:  people can actually see my face!!!

Let me elaborate on why that was such a big deal for me.  I'm a big introvert at heart.  And, while I appreciate getting respect and recognition, I actually dislike being the center of attention (dancing and teaching salsa has definitely forced me to deal with helped me with that).  When I cosplayed as Snake Eyes the previous two years, I always had a mask on.  No one could see my face.  The same was true for the costume I wore for Friday, a mash-up of Jango Fett and Django: Unchained.  Even though everyone loved my Jules Windu, I still missed being masked.

In my 1st semester of college, my psychology professor made mention of a term called "an artificial audience", in which an insecure person automatically assumes that everyone around them is constantly judging and criticizing them on-sight.  Even before he explained the meaning of this concept, I knew that it described me perfectly.  When I was in High School, I always dreaded walking through the halways where all the popular kids hung out.  I always feared that someone would call me out and make fun of me, but it never happened.  Little did I know at the time, all the other kids were so busy worrying about themselves that they didn't have time to focus on me, which is really the case in life in general.

Hearing this from my professor helped me grow to the point where the fear of having "all eyes on me" no longer paralyzes me (and helped me realize that I had nothing to fear in the first place), but it's still something I have to suppress.  I was no longer hindered by an "artificial audience" in normal life and in the salsa scene, but cosplay was a new realm for me.  I didn't realize it at the time, but having a mask on aided that suppression.  I felt a sense of invisibility, but not in a Frodo Baggins kinda way.  I felt like people saw my character, but didn't see me.  I figured, even if the worst happened and my cosplay bombed, I, Myron, was still okay.

Of course, all this stuff is going on in my head.  Even as this epiphany happened, it didn't rock me so much that it showed on the outside.  I realized I was fine without the mask, but I also realized how much more comfortable I felt with it.  On Sunday, when I was wearing Snake Eyes again, I was chatting with a new cosplay friend of mine about this topic.  She agreed that wearing a mask is more freeing, but not necessarily for the sake of being anonymous.  She expressed that having a mask allows you to fully become the character you're cosplaying as; to be seen as that character.  You go from being a guy/girl dressed up as that character, to actually being that character.  I can definitely agree with that.  When I put my Snake Eyes costume on, I'm not just dressed up as Snake Eyes, I am Snake Eyes.

So yeah, that's what putting on a mask does for me.  Not only to I get to really become the character I'm cosplaying as, but it also helps me dispel my ungrounded fear of everyone watching and criticizing me.  But what about you guys?  Are you like me and have a preference either way, or is it not even that big of a deal for you?  I'd love to know how my fellow cosplayers feel about it, so sound off in the comments!

Re-visiting the Friend Zone

Poor Mario.

About 10 years ago, back when I was still on MySpace (MySpace?  What's that?), I wrote a blog entry about this God-forsaken land known as The Friend Zone.  As you could imagine, a lot has changed for me since then.  I'm in my early 30s now and have grown and matured a bit.  I also got married about a year ago, so fortunately, I will never have to step foot into that dreadful friend zone again.  However, through my experiences since then and conversations with others, my opinion on the matter has changed as well.  Although I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I don't think it is quite as bad as many make it out to be.  So let's get into it and address the friend zone once more. 

Before I get into how my views on this have changed, let me drop my 10 cents on how I feel about what quite a few people have said about the friend zone.  I've heard many people say, in what I think is an attempt to write the friend zone off as a myth, that the friend zone is simply just being friends with someone.  "There's nothing wrong with just being friends" they say.  While I agree that just being friends with someone is indeed a great thing and is not bad in and of itself, I beg to differ that the friend zone = just being friends.  I honestly don't think there'd be that much hoopla about it if that were the case.  My personal interpretation of the friend zone (if you google it, most definitions you find won't be too different) is when you have a love interest that is not reciprocated, which is so very much not the same as two people mutually deciding to be friends.

Speaking of my personal perspective, I've also come to realize that my view on it has been skewed by naivety.  I've found that many guys see the friend zone simply as any time a woman won't have sex with them.  Since I was abstinent for all of my adult life, the friend zone was strictly about relationships for me.  I wasn't trying to have sex, and neither were the women who I pursued, so that dynamic was never relevant to me.  Once I considered this, I began to understand some of the frustration that comes along with the friend zone; some guys just want sex but can't get it, and some women who are fed up with guys who feel entitled to sex.

Much of the frustration from the female end of this has led to the idea I mentioned previously, that the friend zone doesn't really exist; it's simply a result of guys being nice and pseudo-chivalrous to women, and in turn being upset when they don't get what they want, be it sex or otherwise.  And just like many guys mistakenly blame friend-zoning entirely on women, some women in turn have put the impetus entirely on men.  Again, I cannot agree that the friend zone is a myth, or that it's all men's (or women's) fault.  Obliviousness happens on both ends, where a woman doesn't see that a guy likes her even though it's obvious to her friends, or a guy fails to read the crystal-clear signs that a girl doesn't like him, so he proceeds to keep trying and getting shot down.  There are also some (emphasis on "some", in case y'all didn't catch that) women who string along men who don't have a chance with them, simply for what they can get out of it.  Having said all of that, while I don't subscribe to the belief that it's all on the guys, I can agree that, yes, we do it to ourselves sometimes.

Yep.  Most guys won't want to hear this, but many times, we put ourselves in the friend zone.  Of course, no man in his right mind would do this on purpose.  Heck naw.  But, in our efforts of pursuit, we inadvertently fail to make our intentions known early enough.  From asking for her Facebook info instead of her phone number, to setting up a time to "hang out" instead of asking for a legitimate date.  These things are different for every woman, and so is the time table for making your intentions known, but this is why many of us end up in the friend zone.  We mistakenly lead her to believe we never wanted more than that.  What sucks about this is that, when friend zoning happens to us in this way, we don't know we're there already.  And to complicate things further, many women and men alike (myself included) value establishing a strong friendship with someone prior to moving into a relationship, which makes navigating this minefield that much more difficult.

Here's another harsh truth:  we choose to be in the friend zone.  Yeah, you heard me right.  Being in the friend zone is a choice.  Now, before y'all blow up my comments, hear me out.  Say you've told that special someone that you like them and you want something more, but (s)he replies with "Aww, that's sweet, but you're like a brother/sister to me" or just a straight up "I don't like you like that."  You are at a crossroads at this point.  You are not yet in the friend zone, although some may see it that way.  At this point, you can either act like a character in a bad horror movie and keep travelling down that dark, backwater dirt road even though that old geezer at the gas station warned you that evil lurks that way, or you can throw up the proverbial deuces and make a hard left.  

To put it clearly, you do not have to enter the friend zone.  Both men and women in this situation have the power to not enter the friend zone, but I think this is where most guys fail.  For some reason, we view this rejection as a failure.  Whether it's our competitive nature, our drive to "conquer", or just plain old pride, we think we "lost".  We feel like we just have to escape the friend zone with that particular woman.  

Fellas, let me empower you here: just move on.  You did not "lose" because she doesn't want you.  She did not "win" because she rejected you.  Just wrong person, wrong time.  I know it's frustrating, but move on until you find someone who likes you back.  If you do not do so, you are choosing to jump feet first into that quicksand pit called the friend zone.  Don't get me wrong; you just might end up being the exception and she chooses to throw you a rope or a pair of ferrets to get you out.  But don't count on that.  You're better off assuming you're the rule and keeping it moving.  And if someone says "let's just be friends", there's nothing saying that you have to accept that.  I'm not saying completely cut the person off maliciously, but you may be at a point where continuing to interact regularly with someone you really like but doesn't like you back might not help with your sanity.  As long as you don't behave like a jerk in the process of stating so, you don't have to continue being friends with someone who doesn't want to be more than friends with you.  I'm not saying this should be the default option, but do what you know is best for you.

I hope all of this has helped relieve some of the confusion about the infamous friend zone, and given some hope about dealing with it as well.  I am by no means an expert in it, but hopefully my experiences and insight leaves you better equipped to deal with it.

Cosplayin': "The Best"

For those of you who've come to hang out with me on my blog more than a few times, you know that I write about a myriad of topics.  I can be all over the place at times (hence, the "Random" in "Random SMOOVEness").  One new topic that I'll be adding to the blog is my experiences in the world of cosplay and geek conventions.  Today's entry will be the first of many, entitled "Cosplayin'".  

A few days ago, I came across a cosplay article, which featured famous (or, "professional", if you will) cosplayer Yaya Han.  The writer of the article lists 10 reasons as to why Yaya is the "best cosplayer".  I don't think this article has gone viral or anything, but it definitely has the cosplay community talking.  I won't get too far into what's being said here, but suffice it to say that opinions of her vary greatly.

My 10 cents on the matter?  She's done amazing cosplays of some of my favorite characters (Psylocke and Baroness, specifically), and she was pretty nice to me for the few minutes that I was able to interact with her, so I got no beef with her.  I understand that many others have experiences with her that are polar opposites of mine, and therefore may not like her, and that's ok.  And I'm not even going to touch the argument as to who the best actually is.  Cosplay, in and of itself, is not a sport to compete in, so there's no official set of criteria or standards, making any attempt at figuring out who's "number 1" futile at best.

We could spend hours debating opinions about Yaya, but that's probably being done in numerous other places as I type this.  The other reason that this article is so polarizing is what really caught my attention:  not Yaya herself, but the idea of anyone being labeled "the best" cosplayer.  I think this concept in and of itself is what has struck a nerve with cosplayers the most.

You see, the cosplay community is supposed to be all about having fun and being supportive of each other.  We're already trying to deal with issues of bullying, sexual harassment, even body and gender shaming.  Adding unnecessary competition to the mix definitely doesn't help.  Outside of actual cosplay contests that take place at conventions, no one is out here trying to out-do someone else.  And unless a person chooses to be on a contest stage in that capacity, nobody wants to be subjected to judging and ranking and such.

At the end of the day, we all just want to celebrate and connect over our passion for geekery.  No one is out here to "win" cosplay.  So, while I don't think the author of the article meant to stir up any bad feelings or anything, I do see why many people are up in arms about the claim that a particular cosplayer is "the best".

Of course, me being me, I have to add a shot off devil's advocacy to this.  I do think that we need to stay away from competition and comparisons in cosplay, as it only causes animosity and divisiveness.  But I also think many of us in the community can be a bit oversensitive when it comes the word "best" being used.  Sure, it may not be the best adjective to use (I personally prefer to say "you're my favorite [insert character]" or "your [cosplay of character] is awesome"), but saying that someone is the best is not a knock on anyone else.  There are some who would take "you're the best" as a back-handed compliment of sorts.  They feel like the compliment giver is putting others down in the process.

While I do agree that a compliment that in turn puts down others is not a compliment at all, I cannot agree that saying someone is the best is the equivalent of that.  Unless someone is verbatim saying "Your [cosplay of character] is the best, all the others suck", saying one person is the best is not an automatic insult to anyone else.  Ricky Bobby's outlook on life should not apply to cosplay, or the rest of life for that matter.  This may be an unpopular opinion in the cosplay community, but if I'm dressed in my Snake Eyes costume and someone says to me "Your Snake Eyes is the best I've seen!", I'm not going to apologize for taking that as a compliment.  I'm definitely not going to let that statement go to my head, as I know my costume could still use some work, and I've seen others do the same character much better than me.  But if it was good enough to cause that person to have that opinion, I'm not going to make him feel bad for it.  I'm going to say "thank you" and keep it moving.

All I'm really trying to do here is provide different angles and a sense of balance to this.  Ideally, as a community, we'd like to stay away from competing with and judging each other.  Loosely claiming that this person or that person is the best can definitely hinder that goal.  However, if anyone wants to share their opinion, ill-informed or othewise, that someone is the best, they are well within their rights to, and that person is most likely not taking a shot at everybody else by making that statement.

Defensive Dancing

***DISCLAIMER: 

If you agree with this blog.... Good.

If you think I'm talking about you...  I probably am.

If you don't think this applies to you...  It probably does. 

If it does apply to you...  It's not personal.  I probably still like you as a person... I just can't stand dancing next to you.***

Ok.  Now that I've got that out the way...

I ranted, raved, and complained wrote in a blog entry a few years back about the lack of floorcraft in the salsa scene, and how we'd all be dead if many people's driving matched their dance floor navigation.  Not much has changed since then, unfortunately.  Folks are still out here dancing as if no one else is on the floor with them, having a dangerous "I don't care how crowded it is, I'm finna get these moves out" mentality.  So here I am, getting back on my high-horse one 'mo 'gain (that's "once more, again" for those who don't follow), trying to change the salsa world one blog at a time. 

Ok, don't get me wrong, y'all; I understand that the dance floor is often a crowded place.  Accidents are going to happen, and no matter how hard you try, you can't avoid them completely.  However, this is not an excuse to dance with reckless abandon.  It's one thing when beginners and casual "I go salsa dancing once or twice a year at most" dancers do inconsiderate things, like not keeping their space, backing onto a dance floor blindly (I hope y'all don't back out of parking spots like that...), and cramming onto a dance floor when the more considerate thing to do would be to just sit the song out (Sit the song out? That's out of the question! -_-).  It's no less annoying when it's the beginners, but forgivable.  What irks me the most is that, far too often, it's the salseros who are guilty of the same foolishness.  Social dancing veterans who really should know better.  

Now, the old me used to take the path of least resistance and just move away from wild dancers.  Since there are a crap-ton of wild dancers on the floor at any given time, this meant that I would end up doing more dodging than dancing, which I quickly grew tired of.  This lead me to develop I technique I call "defensive dancing".  

Defensive dancing is basically holding your ground; using your body language and dancing to convey to others, "HEY! I've been maintaining my space this whole time.  You should do the same."  Yes, the kicker here is that, to use defensive dancing, you yourself have to already be practicing good floorcraft: keeping your moves small, being consistent in what and how much space you're using to dance, making sure you have room to execute your moves before you do them... You know, things every "good" dancer should know and practice already.  In other words, check yourself, first.

Once you've determined all of the above, you position yourself so that if any reckless dancers around you should intrude on your space, they bump into you, and not your partner.  Yes, fellas... this means taking one for the team and being a gentleman.  Another thing I do is that I've conditioned myself to, upon contact, give a little push back.  Not enough to really push, but just enough for the person to realize, "Oh, this person isn't going to move out of my way.  Oh wait... Maybe I'm actually in his way."  I also do this when someone chooses to squeeze their way into space next to me that is obviously too small to dance in.  For instance, numerous times I've been dancing less than a body width away from the edge of the floor, and someone decides to, in their infinite wisdom, cram into that space.  It doesn't always work, but more often than not, they get the picture and move on to an area with a bit more space.

I use defensive dancing, not just because I don't want to spend the majority of a dance rescuing my partner from the paths of reckless, inconsiderate people (although I'm more than willing to do so), but also because if all we do is move out of their way, those dancers will never get the hint that they indeed are taking up too much space or not watching where they're going.  "Well, who died made you the traffic cop, Myron?"  Nobody, actually, but somebody has to do it.  "But salsa is about having fun!" you might say.  Well, having fun and being considerate aren't mutually exclusive.  And it's always all fun & salsa until you get crucified to the floor by a stiletto, or you darn near get KO'd by a random ladies styling arm.