Rules of Rejection

"Rules of Rejection"
9.24.10

They say that nothing is certain in life but death and taxes. While that is true, I'd like to add one more to the list of life's certainties: Rejection.

Why rejection? Because we've all been told "no" at some point in our lives. It's one of the first words we hear as young children, no matter how spoiled we were. This rings no truer than when dealing with the opposite gender. I'm not at all trying to say that the female side of the fence has the greener grass, but this is especially the case for us guys. Even with the drastic changes in culture and gender roles, guys must still face the task of approaching a woman --for whatever reason-- and risking rejection. We could make the argument that fearing rejection is petty, or that it's not that big of a deal. However, regardless of what side of that argument you fall on, I'd have a hard time believing you if you told me you actually like being told "no", aside from maybe using it as motivation to keep going after it until it changes to a "yes."

As one could imagine, the concept of rejection is an unavoidable element in the world of salsa dancing, considering the fact that it is a partner dance between two people of opposite genders. Unless you're in a city where the women ask the men to dance dance due to the salsa scene being very follow-heavy (if anyone knows which cities these are, please inform me so that I can visit), the men typically ask the women to dance. Whether you're out for your first night of dancing and you just had your first lesson 15 minutes ago, or you've been dancing for years and your last name happens to be Vasquez or Torres, you're inevitably going to experience your fair share of rejection.

There are a myriad of reasons as to why a lady would say "no" to your invitation to dance, as seen in the above illustration; some of them legit, some of them not. Again, that is another blog in and of itself that we won't get into right now. I'm long-winded enough already. Anyway, though it may take some of us longer than others, those of us who are smart will mature in our handling of rejections and eventually learn to take them in stride. We learn not to take them personal even on those rare (or not) moments when it really is personal, and we move on to the next lady.

During my early days as a salsero when I wasn't so mature in my rejection handling, I would allow a "no" to negatively affect my night. My "salsa-emotions", as I would call them, would rise and fall throughout the night. Back when I didn't know any better, I would go to venues such as Loca Luna and the original Havana Club in Atlanta to --albeit, unsuccessfully-- get my "salsa fix". I would soon realize that these venues weren't necessarily salsero-friendly. Yes, they did indeed play the salsa music that I love dancing to, but these venues catered more towards the meet-market crowd; people who came to smoke, drink, hang out, and... well, you now... "meet" people (translate "meet" in whichever way you see fit). Because of the type of crowd, I would get turned down for dances at least a third, if not half the time. Though they would still sting, it wasn't the individual rejections that would ruin my mood (unless they were particularly rude ones). It would be the repeated or frequent rejections that piled up over time that would eventually depress me. On top of that, at the end of the night I would feel like I'd wasted both my time and my money, as I was unable to spend most of my time doing what I came to do, which was dance. Though I'll down a bottle of Smirnoff Ice (aka hard Sprite) or a margarita every other-blue moon, I've never been much of a drinker, so I wasn't there for that. I wasn't there to hang out either. And I definitely wasn't going to pay to do either when I could easily do both with better company, and for free.

As time passed, I eventually found salsa socials and other venues that were made by salsa dancers for salsa dancers. Of course, my salsa skills also progressed, so add the two together and my rejection rate steadily dropped. However, getting rejected, while not as frequent, was still inevitable, and I still hadn't learned how to be smart about them. Getting a simple "no" or "no, thank you" wasn't so bad. With those, I knew where I stood. Being the naive and trusting (sometimes to a fault) person that I was, it was those "not yeses" that would kill me. Some women would say "not right now, maybe later" or "I'm taking a break right now" or "give me a few minutes". Because I would take their words literally instead of considering the possibility that they really meant "no", I would continue to go back to those same ladies and ask them a 2nd or 3rd time, setting myself up for further rejection.

I eventually decided to wise up and develop rules for myself in regards to having my invitations to dance rejected. When I put these rules into practice, I do not do so out of revenge, bitterness, or spite towards those doing the rejecting. Just as it usually isn't personal when a lady says no to a guy who asks her to dance, it's nothing personal when I decide to carry out these rules. They're just my way of ensuring that I don't allow myself to get into a mood that will ruin my night.

So, here are my rules for moving on from rejections:

1) "No/No, Thank You". If I get a simple "no", I won't ask her to dance again that night. This may sound harsh to some, but I figure if a woman plainly says "no," she's not too worried about whether or not I'm going to come back and ask her again later. There's nothing in that answer that would imply that she would change her mind later (after all, "no" does mean "no", right?). If she really would like me to come back later, she'll make that clear. Now, I will wipe the slate clean and ask her again the next time I see her, but if this happens repeatedly, I will place her on my "It's a waste of time to ask her to dance" list, indefinitely. I will be nice and polite to her otherwise, but I won't ask her to dance. Granted, I have only had one woman ever make it on that list, but the rule is in place nonetheless.

2) A "Not Yes". A "not yes" is any answer/excuse that is not necessarily a "no", but still results in us not dancing to the current song. This may be something like "not right now, I'm tired/my feet hurt/I'm thirsty", or "I don't like this song" or anything along those lines that may have a hint of a chance that you might say "yes" later. Or it maybe something that more clearly conveys an intent to dance, such as "Not right now, but save me one later!" or "I'm tired, but come get me on the next song." In either case, I will come and ask her again if I get around to her. I don't mean to sound cocky or arrogant in saying that, but I had to realize that I've improved to the point where the majority, if not all, of the salseras in my scene like dancing with me, so there's no need to spend time chasing any one woman. Unless the male/female ratio of a particular scene is ridiculously lopsided out of the guy's favor, I think all guys should have this mentality, regardless of his skill level. If a guy's goal is to dance with as many ladies as possible and have a good time, he shouldn't waste time worrying about the few who won't readily dance with him, as there are too many other ladies who are ready and willing. (Please forgive me if my wording here causes you to forget that we're talking about salsa dancing here.) The key to this rule, however, is that two "not yeses" from a lady on the same night counts as one "no", and at that point I refrain from asking her again until the next time I see her. Though it maybe tempting to do so, I do not make exceptions to this rule for ladies who are my friends, or for so-called "salsa-celebrities." I figure, if the lady in question is as close a friend as I think she is, after the 2nd "not yes", she'll make it a point to come get me, or better yet, she won't make me have to ask twice in the first place. As far as salsa-celebs go, I've learned that I can get just as good of a dance from another lady who is not quite as famous, so there's no need to chase a celeb just to say "I've danced w/ such-and-such."

Honestly, I do have to remind myself of my own rules from time to time. Left to my own devices, my old unconfident and insecure self will creep back in every once in a while and cause me to seek validation by getting those girls who rejected me to eventually say yes, when my more sensible self would know better. Not only is this a waste of time and energy, but I've found that every time that I've gotten someone who wouldn't dance w/ me before to finally dance with me, it's never been worth it. Nothing against the dancing ability of said ladies --I've had decent if not better dances with them-- but the quality of those dances just didn't live up to the amount of effort I put into getting them.

I hope that this helps any salseros (and even salseras... Cool points to those of you who aren't too afraid or proud to step out of your comfort zone and ask the guys to dance every now and then) that are reading this, and that you can learn from my experiences in getting (or not getting) dances. As I said before, try to remember that rejections are usually not personal, and you're better off just moving on to the next person. I do realize, however, that some of us may have a harder time shaking off the brief feeling of disappointment nonetheless. That is when you have to set up your own rules and boundaries to keep you from self-destructing on an otherwise joy and salsa-filled night.