Cosplayin' - Behind the Mask

It's that time again.  About a half-month and some change left to go before one of my favorite events of the year:  Dragon*Con.  If you've never heard of or been to Dragon*Con, it's arguably the biggest geekery convention in the world.  The closest thing to geek heaven there is.  I only say "closest thing" because it's during Labor Day weekend, so it's still hot as fish grease outside in Atlanta, and, unless you can afford to pay for a room in a host hotel solo and are lucky enough to book one, you probably won't get to relax much.

Anyway, this yearly geekified staycation tradition began for me in 2012.  After several years of always seeing cosplayers on my lunch break on Labor Day Friday (my job is right above Peachtree Center food court and MARTA station) and hearing my co-workers talk about it (they're all fellow geeks, many of whom attend or work at Dragon*Con), I finally decided to see it for myself.

I already had a good base for a costume since I'd gone as Snake Eyes for Halloween a few times, so I just upgraded that and went on Saturday that year.  It would be pretty accurate to say I had a geek-gasm that day.  I was hooked, and went again the next year, but again with the same costume and only on Saturday, due to procrastination and budget restraints.

Last year, however, I decided to step my game up.  I finally added two more costumes to my arsenal.  I also bought a full weekend pass, using one costume per day Friday through Sunday.  On Saturday, I decided to wear one of my two new costumes, which was a mash-up of Samuel L. Jackson's Mace Windu and Jules Winnfield.  The costume was well received, but as I was walking around, I suddenly realized:  people can actually see my face!!!

Let me elaborate on why that was such a big deal for me.  I'm a big introvert at heart.  And, while I appreciate getting respect and recognition, I actually dislike being the center of attention (dancing and teaching salsa has definitely forced me to deal with helped me with that).  When I cosplayed as Snake Eyes the previous two years, I always had a mask on.  No one could see my face.  The same was true for the costume I wore for Friday, a mash-up of Jango Fett and Django: Unchained.  Even though everyone loved my Jules Windu, I still missed being masked.

In my 1st semester of college, my psychology professor made mention of a term called "an artificial audience", in which an insecure person automatically assumes that everyone around them is constantly judging and criticizing them on-sight.  Even before he explained the meaning of this concept, I knew that it described me perfectly.  When I was in High School, I always dreaded walking through the halways where all the popular kids hung out.  I always feared that someone would call me out and make fun of me, but it never happened.  Little did I know at the time, all the other kids were so busy worrying about themselves that they didn't have time to focus on me, which is really the case in life in general.

Hearing this from my professor helped me grow to the point where the fear of having "all eyes on me" no longer paralyzes me (and helped me realize that I had nothing to fear in the first place), but it's still something I have to suppress.  I was no longer hindered by an "artificial audience" in normal life and in the salsa scene, but cosplay was a new realm for me.  I didn't realize it at the time, but having a mask on aided that suppression.  I felt a sense of invisibility, but not in a Frodo Baggins kinda way.  I felt like people saw my character, but didn't see me.  I figured, even if the worst happened and my cosplay bombed, I, Myron, was still okay.

Of course, all this stuff is going on in my head.  Even as this epiphany happened, it didn't rock me so much that it showed on the outside.  I realized I was fine without the mask, but I also realized how much more comfortable I felt with it.  On Sunday, when I was wearing Snake Eyes again, I was chatting with a new cosplay friend of mine about this topic.  She agreed that wearing a mask is more freeing, but not necessarily for the sake of being anonymous.  She expressed that having a mask allows you to fully become the character you're cosplaying as; to be seen as that character.  You go from being a guy/girl dressed up as that character, to actually being that character.  I can definitely agree with that.  When I put my Snake Eyes costume on, I'm not just dressed up as Snake Eyes, I am Snake Eyes.

So yeah, that's what putting on a mask does for me.  Not only to I get to really become the character I'm cosplaying as, but it also helps me dispel my ungrounded fear of everyone watching and criticizing me.  But what about you guys?  Are you like me and have a preference either way, or is it not even that big of a deal for you?  I'd love to know how my fellow cosplayers feel about it, so sound off in the comments!

Re-visiting the Friend Zone

Poor Mario.

About 10 years ago, back when I was still on MySpace (MySpace?  What's that?), I wrote a blog entry about this God-forsaken land known as The Friend Zone.  As you could imagine, a lot has changed for me since then.  I'm in my early 30s now and have grown and matured a bit.  I also got married about a year ago, so fortunately, I will never have to step foot into that dreadful friend zone again.  However, through my experiences since then and conversations with others, my opinion on the matter has changed as well.  Although I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I don't think it is quite as bad as many make it out to be.  So let's get into it and address the friend zone once more. 

Before I get into how my views on this have changed, let me drop my 10 cents on how I feel about what quite a few people have said about the friend zone.  I've heard many people say, in what I think is an attempt to write the friend zone off as a myth, that the friend zone is simply just being friends with someone.  "There's nothing wrong with just being friends" they say.  While I agree that just being friends with someone is indeed a great thing and is not bad in and of itself, I beg to differ that the friend zone = just being friends.  I honestly don't think there'd be that much hoopla about it if that were the case.  My personal interpretation of the friend zone (if you google it, most definitions you find won't be too different) is when you have a love interest that is not reciprocated, which is so very much not the same as two people mutually deciding to be friends.

Speaking of my personal perspective, I've also come to realize that my view on it has been skewed by naivety.  I've found that many guys see the friend zone simply as any time a woman won't have sex with them.  Since I was abstinent for all of my adult life, the friend zone was strictly about relationships for me.  I wasn't trying to have sex, and neither were the women who I pursued, so that dynamic was never relevant to me.  Once I considered this, I began to understand some of the frustration that comes along with the friend zone; some guys just want sex but can't get it, and some women who are fed up with guys who feel entitled to sex.

Much of the frustration from the female end of this has led to the idea I mentioned previously, that the friend zone doesn't really exist; it's simply a result of guys being nice and pseudo-chivalrous to women, and in turn being upset when they don't get what they want, be it sex or otherwise.  And just like many guys mistakenly blame friend-zoning entirely on women, some women in turn have put the impetus entirely on men.  Again, I cannot agree that the friend zone is a myth, or that it's all men's (or women's) fault.  Obliviousness happens on both ends, where a woman doesn't see that a guy likes her even though it's obvious to her friends, or a guy fails to read the crystal-clear signs that a girl doesn't like him, so he proceeds to keep trying and getting shot down.  There are also some (emphasis on "some", in case y'all didn't catch that) women who string along men who don't have a chance with them, simply for what they can get out of it.  Having said all of that, while I don't subscribe to the belief that it's all on the guys, I can agree that, yes, we do it to ourselves sometimes.

Yep.  Most guys won't want to hear this, but many times, we put ourselves in the friend zone.  Of course, no man in his right mind would do this on purpose.  Heck naw.  But, in our efforts of pursuit, we inadvertently fail to make our intentions known early enough.  From asking for her Facebook info instead of her phone number, to setting up a time to "hang out" instead of asking for a legitimate date.  These things are different for every woman, and so is the time table for making your intentions known, but this is why many of us end up in the friend zone.  We mistakenly lead her to believe we never wanted more than that.  What sucks about this is that, when friend zoning happens to us in this way, we don't know we're there already.  And to complicate things further, many women and men alike (myself included) value establishing a strong friendship with someone prior to moving into a relationship, which makes navigating this minefield that much more difficult.

Here's another harsh truth:  we choose to be in the friend zone.  Yeah, you heard me right.  Being in the friend zone is a choice.  Now, before y'all blow up my comments, hear me out.  Say you've told that special someone that you like them and you want something more, but (s)he replies with "Aww, that's sweet, but you're like a brother/sister to me" or just a straight up "I don't like you like that."  You are at a crossroads at this point.  You are not yet in the friend zone, although some may see it that way.  At this point, you can either act like a character in a bad horror movie and keep travelling down that dark, backwater dirt road even though that old geezer at the gas station warned you that evil lurks that way, or you can throw up the proverbial deuces and make a hard left.  

To put it clearly, you do not have to enter the friend zone.  Both men and women in this situation have the power to not enter the friend zone, but I think this is where most guys fail.  For some reason, we view this rejection as a failure.  Whether it's our competitive nature, our drive to "conquer", or just plain old pride, we think we "lost".  We feel like we just have to escape the friend zone with that particular woman.  

Fellas, let me empower you here: just move on.  You did not "lose" because she doesn't want you.  She did not "win" because she rejected you.  Just wrong person, wrong time.  I know it's frustrating, but move on until you find someone who likes you back.  If you do not do so, you are choosing to jump feet first into that quicksand pit called the friend zone.  Don't get me wrong; you just might end up being the exception and she chooses to throw you a rope or a pair of ferrets to get you out.  But don't count on that.  You're better off assuming you're the rule and keeping it moving.  And if someone says "let's just be friends", there's nothing saying that you have to accept that.  I'm not saying completely cut the person off maliciously, but you may be at a point where continuing to interact regularly with someone you really like but doesn't like you back might not help with your sanity.  As long as you don't behave like a jerk in the process of stating so, you don't have to continue being friends with someone who doesn't want to be more than friends with you.  I'm not saying this should be the default option, but do what you know is best for you.

I hope all of this has helped relieve some of the confusion about the infamous friend zone, and given some hope about dealing with it as well.  I am by no means an expert in it, but hopefully my experiences and insight leaves you better equipped to deal with it.