Random SMOOVEness: 2014

It's been a long time... I shouldn'a left you... Without a dope blog to... Ok, ok... I'll stop being corny. Anyways, we're a few months shy of a year since my last "UNappreciation" blog about my childhood heroes gone wrong. I figured I'd better get part three out of the way before TF: Age Of Extinction hits the theaters. So, without any further adieu, I shall now switch to Generation 1 fanboy mode to bring you "UNappreciation part 3: Dark Of The Moon"

I actually liked the intro, which showed what things were like on Cybertron back when the war was in full swing. Pretty nice for a Michael Bay idea.

Ok, so the whole "aliens crash-landed on the dark side of the moon, so that's why we haven't gone back in ages" idea was pretty decent. But I have one question... If a ship can get shot down before barely leaving Cybertron's orbit and crash on the moon, no less, how freakin' close is Cybertron to Earth? If Cybertron is close enough for that to happen, why haven't the Decepticons tried to take over long before now?

Prior to the movie coming out, I did my customary pre-movie reconnaissance on the details. I was delighted to find that ~~Spike~~ Sam Witwicky's love interest was no longer going to be played by Megan Fox, and her character's name was to be Carly (played by Rosie Huntington-Whiteley). Given that his girlfriend and eventual wife in the cartoon was a blonde bombshell of the same name, I felt this should have been the case from the beginning.

But first... Let me take a SELFIE.

Our first new transformer of the movie is the Autobot's Dino. Before I take a shot of haterade and get into what I don't like about this situation, I will say that Dino, in and of himself, is pretty awesome. However, there is so much wrong with him.

Up until the movie came out, Dino's name was supposed to be Mirage. Mirage was one of the original 18 Autobots who crash-landed on Earth aboard The Ark in the cartoon. I was excited that another G1 character was supposedly going to get some shine in the live-action movies, only to be disappointed to find out that he was going to be a red Ferrari. I wasn't so much upset about him being a Ferrari (I mean, how often do you see a Formula 1 race car on the highway?), but about him being red. Previously, characters like Optimus Prime, Ironhide, and Sideswipe, who were supposed to be red, were made to be other colors. Why? Because Michael Bay said red "does not photograph well on film". Wait, so now you can make a red transformer? One who was supposed to be blue? On top of that, his name gets changed to "Dino", just because Ferrari asked them to name him after the founder of the company. So, instead of giving some screen time to a transformer we know and love, we have a made-up character just to kiss up to folks.

Windcharger, Cliffjumper, Overdrive, and Chase.

Four perfectly good red Autobot car names that

could have been used instead of "Dino". -_-

Our next debuting transformer is Shockwave and his er... um... "pet". I thought it pretty cool that ol' one-eye finally made an appearance. They did his personality justice, as he comes across as cold and menacing. However, I felt they could have done more with him.

Shockwave was a cold & ruthless bot, driven completely by logic...

Logic that, in the comics, drove him on occasion to the conclusion that

Megatron was no longer fit to lead the 'Cons.

How's that for logic?

I had to wonder why and for how long he was just hiding on Earth, but knowing how much of a genious and strategist he was, I wouldn't put it past him him to have had a method to his madness on that. Speaking of which, they really could have expounded on the cold, calculating aspect of his personality, but one could make the argument that doing so probably would have taken away from the main plot of the movie. So I kinda get why they didn't do much else with him, but it still sucks that he was really just thrown in there. It would have been nice to see him transform at least once. Oh, and what the heck's up with that big... um... robo-tremor thing? Where did that come from? Not trying to deny its awesomeness at all, but I don't think I'd ever seen anything close to it in any TF continuity.

Ah, we finally get to see Laserbeak on-screen. He's one of the few characters who I feel they nailed it with. More on him a little later, but for right now, his debut scene is pretty awesome.

"What is this, the silent treatment?"

"We've seen that and this is not that. This is worse... He's pissed."

- Charlotte Mearing & Ironhide, discussing Prime's... "mood."

Charlotte Mearing... Yet another arrogant human officer.

Y'all gon' learn to stop talkin' sideways to 30 ft tall robots who can squash you like an ant.

Next up for the Autobots is "Que". Seriously, y'all... First Jetfire, now this? What is it with Michael Bay making all these Autobots look old? Also, even if you're not like me and didn't look up the potential characters before the movie came out, you can tell by Que's untested new weapons and gadgets and such that he was supposed to be Wheeljack, the Autobots' resident mad scientist. I understand him being a luxury car instead of Wheeljack's Lancia Stratos (Que's alt mode fit with the secret mission they did earlier), but they still could have named him correctly. I mean, raise your hand if you ever heard of another Transformer named "Que"... #DontWorryIllWait

In both looks and personality,

the main human antagonist, Dylan Gould,

reminds me of a mix of MMA's Chael Sonnen and WCW's Eric Bischoff.

Here, we have Sentinel Prime. Given that all of his appearances in the cartoon and comics --to my knowledge-- were very brief, it was pretty hard to mess this one up. In all incarnations, he was one of the previous Primes who came before Optimus Prime, and the same goes here. For those who didn't recognize his voice, he was played by Leonard Nimoy, the same voice actor who played Galvatron in Transformers: The Movie (I would have loved it if they kept him for season 3 of the cartoon, but anyway...).

Ok, Megatron is back, and not looking very hot, might I add. When I first read that Megs was going to have a truck as an alt-mode, I was like "why the heck would he downgrade to a truck?!?!" However, after some thought, I can understand why. In the first two movies, he was either being revived or resurrected, and immediately went into "take over the planet" mode, so he never really had a desire or need to take an Earth-based alt-mode. Here, he's still trying to take over the world as always, but can't afford to be so direct and bold about it, hence the uncharacteristic alt-mode. Still kinda sucks to see ol' Megs down on his luck, though.

Daaaaaaang, homie... On Cybertron, you was the MAAAAAAN, homie. The slag happened to you?

Here's another reason I loved what they did with Laserbeak. It's the one thing I give the "Bayformers" movies props on over the cartoons and comics: TFs being able to freely change their alt-modes to fit the current situation. It definitely plays towards the "robots in disguise" theme a lot more.

Deep. Wang.

Loved the "Easter Egg" they threw in with ~~Laserbeak in disguise~~ the copier's sound effects :-)

"I take my orders from the Autobots. I know them; I don't know you."

- Sam vs Charlotte Mearing.

"I will overlook your condescending tone if you heed the gravity of mine."

- Sentinel Prime vs Charlotte Mearing

The Dreads (who?): Crankcase, Crowbar, & Hatchet

Up next for the Decepticons are "The Dreads", a trio of black Chevy Suburbans. Though they made for an awesome action sequence, the problem I have with them is all too familiar. Only one of the Dreads (Crankcase) was an actual TF character prior to this movie, so yet again, we have a case of reaching for obscure characters or making them up instead of giving limelight to more popular characters that we've been waiting to see. Ok, I know I've been heavily lobbying for them in past rants, but seeing how Breakdown has already been made to have a similar alt mode in Transformers: Prime, I don't think it would have been a stretch to use the Stunticons here instead. But what do I know?

My favorite scene in the whole movie...

Dino = Kratos?

“Whoa, we got us a little Mexican standoff!”

“Weapons down!”

“...And we'll let you escape with your dignity...”

Sideswipe & Ironhide vs Crankcase & Crowbar

As tragic and down-right effed-up as Ironhide's death was, I do love how this scene was a throwback to Ironhide's G1 characteristics. He was heavily armored in the front, but weakly armored in the back, which is probably why Sentinel chose to shoot him in the back.

Wait, so we had Decepticons just chillin' on the moon the whole time?

OK, here's a moment that I had a change of heart on. When I first learned that Soundwave's alt-mode in DOTM was a Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG, I was pretty bummed. I know it would be impractical for them to have made him any kind of audio device (I really wouldn't have wanted them to), but for him to be a car? Ugh. However, when I saw how they used his alt-mode as a way to trap Carly, I thought, "Aaaaah, I see what you did there. I can roll with this." Besides, how can you be mad when he transforms like this?

One thing I have to give them props for is how the plot made two throwback references to some G1 storylines. The first of which is the Season 2 multi-part episode, "Megatron's Master Plan". In both the cartoon and here in the movie, the Decepticons convince the humans to banish the Autobots from Earth, leaving no one to stop them from taking over.

The last new Autobots to be introduced here are the Wreckers. I had mixed feelings about them, but overall good. They come across as the nasty, no-nonsense 'bots they are in the comic books, as they should. And I loved how they were decked out in heavy machine guns. As far their roster, I was cool with Topspin (middle) and Roadbuster (right), but I was like "huh?" with Leadfoot. Ok, his alt-mode from G2 fits what they were going for vehicle-wise, but seeing how the other two they used weren't originally race cars, they could have kept it in-(Wrecker)house and gone with another ground-based Autobot, Sandstorm.

***CORRECTION: Admitting a mistake here... Leadfoot actually IS a Wrecker in G1.***

"I'll find my own ride home, sir"

- Sappy, pointless line by some random soldier.

(And why did he get that random, awkward headshot?)

"Why do the Decepticons always get the GOOD $#!T?!?!"

- Sgt. Epps

Whattup, Big Perm? I mean, Big WORM? *Smokey Voice*

The Decepticons' attempt to use the space bridge technology to bring Cybertron to Earth is another direct throwback to the G1 cartoon, this time to season 1. The 'cons tried to do the same in the multi-parter "The Ultimate Doom."